struggle imageLife is full of struggles, trials, and everything in between. As a child I didn’t understand or know how to deal with what was thrown at me.

I saw tragic things as a child. I experienced tragedy.

What I’m about to share is very raw and naked. In order to continue healing and move forward in my life it needs to be shared. It needs to be shared because others who experienced and may still be experiencing a harsh life need to see and know they’re not alone in this.

When I read Jennifer Renee Watson’s post this morning I had no idea it would impact me this much. Because, God is working in me. He’s working a healing in me.

I was led to watch/listen to this video as well:

My heart wept while watching and listening to this video.

I’ve shared bits and pieces of my story. God is pushing me to share more. I don’t know how much more or if all of it. It may be healing enough for me to be able to write more for a book I’ve been trying to write for a while now.

I was sexually, physically, and mentally abused as a child and young adult. In that abuse I was bullied and told I would never amount to anything. When you’re told something long enough and regularly you believe it is true. I fought to prove myself and to get approval and validation for more than 30 years.

Even though I did great I didn’t feel or believe it was good enough. I was always compared to others, not only by myself, but everyone around me.

I never felt like I fit in anywhere with anything I did, from sports to play activities. At some point I felt as though I were competing with myself.  I constantly felt like I had to try harder. I turned into an overachiever. That still didn’t feel like it was good enough.

most-improved-award-imageIn my sophomore year of high school I thought I had turned a corner. At the end of the school year I got a note from the school that they requested my attendance for awards night that I would win an award. I had no clue what the award would be until that night. I got to sit up on stage with the rest of the students getting awards. That moment in time I felt very special. It came time, the teacher who nominated me for the award called my name and the award title: “Most Improved Student of the Year!” I received that award with pride. It wasn’t long after that it was all forgotten. I still struggled. I struggled with the idea and questioned what I improved so much on. I never could figure it out, and haven’t to this day. I never got an explanation for it. I just had this pretty certificate that said I was most improved student of the year.

Being in the victim mindset I didn’t think or feel I had a choice in life. I thought I had to live out the hand that was dealt to me.

It is all a pack of lies. Satan wants to keep us a caged victim. He likes to remind us that we’re bad and condemn us. I believed all the lies that had been fed to me. I got stuck in the victim mindset. All I could do is blame everyone and everything for my lot in life.

I have health issues. I struggle daily to get through. I lay my head down at night and thank God for another day. He is using me in His plan. He uses my issues to further His Kingdom. He uses each person’s life to further His Kingdom. We may not get it. We don’t have too.

All I know is, if it weren’t for my Savior, Jesus Christ, who gave His life on the cross, I wouldn’t be here today. It’s all because of Him that I am who I am and where I am in life.

I’ll share more on my story in future posts. For now this is what you get. If it touches at least one of you… God has used it for His furtherance and to bless you.

Thank you for taking an interest and I pray that God’s story and mine helps you in some way, small or big.

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