mental pain

The Truth!

What you’re about to read is ugly, scary, and healing for me. I hope healing for you as well.

I like the quote:

“No man is an island.”

There’s part of my story that I’ve never shared with anyone. I’ve been pretty open about the rest.

I gained the courage to be brave after reading this post, by Paula Ebert:

50 Shades of Pain

There’s a lot of hype surrounding the books and movie 50 Shades of Grey. Women are running in hoards and flocking to see the movie being released today.

Before you run to see it: STOP!

Here’s way:

  • It will ruin your life. It is straight up SIN!
    Make no mistake about it.
  • It’s part of a slow fade into misery and torment.
  • You’ll be unable to unsee the imagery.

That’s just a few reasons. The rest will become evident as you read this post.

The Early Days!

From the ages of 4 to 12 I was emotionally, physically, and sexually abused. Such an innocent age. Tainted by evil, my mind has forever been affected by imagery and physical memories of torment. That is something that can never be undone, except by God Himself. The devil likes to play mind-games and taunt my mind with the evil done to me, trying to convince me this is just the way it is. Live with it. No! This has affected everything in my life. Everything!

The Teen Years!

An era of introductions into more darkness. I thought no boy liked me. I thought I was forever ruined. I created a mental world of lies to make myself feel wanted and loved. I had a very low self-image. All the while boys did chase me. Only for one thing. Sex. I thought having sex was the only way to be loved. I was confused about love. I thought sex=love. When I was 18 my parents set me up on a date with an older man. A more experienced with life man. Still, I was confused about love.

It was in this relationship where I was introduced to film porn. You know, the watch at home in your own privacy. I also found porn magazines in this man’s home. Curious, I looked through them. I thought it was all normal and accepted. The whole experience led to a crazy wild lifestyle with him. Fortunately for me, it only lasted a couple of months. However, I can not unsee or undo all that my eyes and mind were exposed to.

Early Adulthood!

At the tender age of 19 I got married. All the painful baggage of my past came into this marriage. I was called “frigid”. The ink was barely dry on my marriage certificate when I discovered I was pregnant. My daughter was born less than a year from the wedding date. I was so traumatized up to this point that giving birth threw me into a 3 1/2 year postpartum depression that nobody knew the signs of or detected, not even Dr’s at medical checkups. To cause even more trauma, while my baby was still considered an infant I had to have surgery because, apparently, I had a serious uterine infection. More on that in a bit. But, I had to leave my child for days while in the hospital. My memories of this era are almost nil except the hundreds of pictures I took. Of which, I don’t even have anymore.

Fast-forward 14 years later… in the same marriage… Living in an abusive environment, emotional. I was bullied by my own husband. Add rape to all this experience. A few times in this marriage I was raped because, apparently, this man needed more control over me. It happened in my deep sleep… I believe, possibly, drugged to accomplish this act. Upon waking there was evidence of his activity on me. I was furious. It was his word against mine though… because we’re married. Married people have sex, right? I felt so violated all over again.

I had some crazy flashbacks. I was tormented, mentally. It’s quite ugly!

I had had enough… It was time for me to leave. I became desperate to get out. I began to plan out my escape, 3 months before. I hid all the details from everyone, except one person. My current husband. An awesome man of God.

There were other things happening that pushed me to this point as well… child rearing issues.

A New Beginning!

After my escape from hell on Earth I began a new life. The problem, though, is that all my previous life baggage followed along, like a lost puppy looking for a new home. For 11 years I still struggled with all the evil of my past. Here’s where the 50 Shades of Grey story enters for me.

I divorced 1st husband and remarried. I didn’t know at the time that my new husband had already had a worldly view of sexuality. I thought to myself that God has a great sense of humor. It didn’t feel so funny though. I was still in my mental torment. My husband asked for me to pleasure him in ways that I abhorred and felt violated by. 13 years into my new marriage I was told that I should read that original 1st book of 50 shades of grey. I never even pursued it. Even the name of the books sounded wrong to me. Now, three years later, this movie. I’ve read many descriptions and reviews already. The whole thing has SIN written all over it!

Even though I claimed I was a born again Christian, I clung to anger and bitterness toward the past. My new husband gave his life to Christ and became a born again Christian. We’ve both been working through and dropping old baggage that has affected each of us and our marriage. We both love to pleasure each other in a God honoring way. We have a saying between us that we like: “Our marriage is a divine Ménage à trois!” My husband, me and The Holy Spirit/God.

Several times in the past 16 years I’ve started over. Even to have more children. Apparently, after the surgery I had when my daughter was born something went wrong and I’ve not been able to get pregnant.

Even within the past two years I’ve started over, reinventing myself. I’ve been rebuilding my relationship with God/Jesus. The closer I am to HIM the less of the world I want to be part of. The more I am in His Word, the more I see SIN in the world. My new husband is very supportive and encouraging and is also growing stronger in his faith in God. We have a thriving and beautiful marriage now. This is a depraved race we’re part of. I refuse to allow the devil to take over and control my life. And so should you, resist the devil’s calling!

I’m renewed in my faith that God is in control and He loves me, no matter how bad or ugly I’ve been. He feels the same about you. He sent Jesus to become sin to save the world from sin to have eternal life with Him in Heaven. It’s a free gift. The only way it works is when you accept the gift and live a holy life as a child of the Almighty Creator – Yahweh.

Please share in the comments and/or contact me if you need someone to talk to and to help you through this time.